Le Networker
Informal is the New Formal: Why Your Best Connections Don't Happen in Meetings
The data and field feedback on the contexts that create lasting relationships.
The data and field feedback on the contexts that create lasting relationships.
A few years ago, I would have given anything to land an official meeting with a major client.
Shared agenda. Conference room booked. Presentation prepared. The whole nine yards.
Today, when I get that kind of meeting, I already know it's either too late or too early. Either the relationship has already been established elsewhere and the meeting is just a formality. Or it hasn't been established at all, and I'll spend an hour selling instead of listening.
Real connections happen in the in-between spaces.
And it took me a while to understand why.
There's a concept in social psychology called functional propinquity the idea that strong bonds are formed between people who repeatedly share informal spaces without a specific agenda.
That's why the best workplace friendships are born at the coffee machine, not during team-building seminars.
That's why deals are often closed over dinner, not during the morning presentation.
It's not a coincidence. It's a mechanism.
In a formal setting: a meeting, a sales call, a product demo, both parties are performing. You're selling. The other person is evaluating. Guards are up, filters are on.
In an informal setting, something different happens. People talk about their real problems. Not the official version they put in RFPs.
And that's where it all begins.
I've identified five of them, after years of enjoying them without ever really formalizing them.
The one you grab between two sessions at a trade show, conference, or training day. Duration: 8 to 12 minutes. Pressure: zero. The other person has nowhere specific to be. Neither do you.
It's the most underestimated context for professional networking. People are out of their "defense" mode, they've just heard something that got them thinking, and they want to talk about it.
Be the one they talk to.
When you go to a conference alone and look for a table, you're looking for a table. Me, I'm looking for a person. I spot someone eating alone or almost alone, who looks like they're from the industry, and I simply ask if I can sit down.
Out of ten times, it leads to seven good conversations, two exchanges of business cards politely forgotten, and once, a concrete project in the months that follow.
One out of ten. That's more than enough to make it worthwhile every time.
Train, carpooling, airport shuttle. People in transit are in a particular mental state: they are neither at the office nor at home. They have time but no agenda. They are receptive.
I've had more useful conversations on high-speed trains than in meeting rooms. The context forces an intimacy that doesn't exist elsewhere; you're side-by-side for two hours, with no screen between you.
Golf, tennis, hiking, cooking, oenology – all these formats called "incentive" or "client team building" work because they create a shared experience. You've shared something. You might have missed your forehand together. It's a bond.
It's no coincidence that these formats persist despite their cost. They produce something that meetings don't: a shared memory.
Not a physical event, but an informal context nonetheless. Sending someone a message on the day they announce a promotion, news, or a published article – not to sell, but just to genuinely react – builds more relational capital than a sales follow-up call.
Because it's unexpected. And because it proves you're genuinely following what they do.
I stopped trying to secure meetings.
I try to create informal opportunities.
In practice: when I want to approach someone, I don't suggest a 30-minute call. I check if there's an event we'll both be attending. I suggest a coffee on-site, not a Zoom call from our respective offices.
The difference in conversion rates between the two approaches is immense.
A cold sales call, even a well-prepared one, remains a sales call. A coffee between two sessions at a trade show that you both chose to attend is already an indication that you have things in common.
You don't need to convince them to meet you. They're already there.
It's important to note: informality doesn't replace formality. It precedes it.
A relationship built over coffee only becomes a deal if, at some point, you get down to business. Follow-up, proposals, the professional framework – all of that remains essential.
The opposite mistake also exists: people who are very good at creating informal connections, but who never manage to move to the next stage because they don't want to "break the spell" by talking business.
Informality opens the door. It's up to you to walk through it.
Your best connections aren't made in your best meetings.
They're made in hallways, during commutes, at impromptu lunches, and over cardboard coffees.
Not because it's romantic.
Because that's where people are real.
And it's with real people that you sign lasting deals.
